Pain – From A Daddy’s Perspective

If I am being honest with myself (and you, seeing as you are now reading my thoughts) I have been contemplating composing a masterpiece to add to my lovely wife’s plethora of well written and heartfelt blog posts. Up until now I have enjoyed reading her way of telling our story and asked myself, why would I write since she does so well without my help?
I suppose the events of today pushed me over the fence and into the realm of a “blogger”. I had a blog once. I think I wrote two posts on it, one being something random about blogging for the first time, which was a fantastic and captivating read, and the other on the death of my mom. I think I wrote pretty well and it was somewhat therapeutic but my introverted nature just wouldn’t muster up enough desire to continually tell people what was on my mind or impress people I’ll never meet with my witty word play.
Today though impressed enough pain on my soul to at least squeeze out some babble to add to our insane journey through international adoption. Normally I get to hide from everyone when there has been a hiccup in the road, while my wife lays it out in cyberspace and finds peace and comfort in her writing. Not today. With a gentle nudge from my better half, here I am, putting the most painful experience of our lives on virtual paper.
Today we watched a representative from our agency drive up, get out, attempt to explain to our son in his native language what was going on (which was not very helpful) and then load him up and drive away while we stood there in a lake of tears.
We knew this day was coming and we thought we prepared all along for it, but there is NO amount of preparation you can do for a moment like this. It literally feels like someone reaches into your chest and rips out your heart. Of course we are sad for US, for selfish things like hugging and kissing him and all the things we grew accustomed to doing with him for the last five weeks. That for me lasted about 2.4 seconds. Then the horror of knowing what must be going on inside his little head takes over and the cries, no screams, coming from the car as they drive away are almost too much to bear. Well they WERE to much to bear, remember the lake of tears??
We spent the next hour or so questioning what we had just done. Did we just induce fear and pain into our son after building up love and trust for five weeks? Did we just give up on our son? Should we have stayed at all costs to avoid this very pain for him? Are we the worst decision makers ever??? Then, in the midst of tears, came prayer. We had nothing else to lean on. No comfort to be found in anyone or anything. The pain did not go away but the tears subsided enough to make discussion between us possible. Our God has us in his hands and even though we are broken he has started to fix all three of us. We don’t feel it right now. Right now sucks. Right now is still filled with pain and questions but I know he has started the repair job.
The decision we faced to leave J and go home was excruciating as it felt like we were either letting him down or the girls back home down. I still feel that the decision to leave and go home is one God guided us to. I miss those chickadees so much and I know they need us. It’s been too long.
That doesn’t make us feel any better about leaving our son. No matter how well they take care of him or how short of a time period it may be, or we hope it to be, he’s not in his mama’s arms where he loves life the most, or not mimicking my every move with a smile on his face.
All we can do now is get on a jet plane for home, love our family waiting there and trust in our Lord’s timing to return to get our son…with a few selfishly demanding prayers for Him to adhere to our timeline thrown in there I’m sure.
I’m not too sure how therapeutic this has been yet or not, but it is what it is. I want to thank all of you who have been prayer warriors for our situation and those who have selflessly given of your time, energy and money to get us where we are today. God used all of you for His glory and our good; of that I am sure.


One thought on “Pain – From A Daddy’s Perspective

  1. Brad, you are a good man because of the God who lives in you. Thank you for the opportunity to share in your family’s joy and now pain. Be blessed brother and know there are those willing to support you in this time of need. My prayers I send to you now.

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