It Is All Grace

Our homecoming is the truest definition of “bittersweet” that I’ve ever known. To run into the loving arms of our daughters, my parents, my father-in-law and my Justine upon our arrival home spoke such grace to the very depths of my soul and to Brad’s, too. There were tears, so many of them that they presented themselves in sobs. I could barely speak. Ginna says that my first words were, “Africa sucks.”
It feels amazingly wonderful to be home, to sleep in our own bed, to lay our heads on our favorite pillows, to drink water out of the tap with no fear of dysentery. It also feels unbearably horrible to be home, to be so far away from the baby who slept on my chest for six weeks. His sweet head wasn’t nearly as heavy as what feels to be an elephant sized burden that rests there now.
Jet lag is brutal on this end of the trip. Brad and I found ourselves wide awake at 3:00 this morning. The early morning hours are tough; there are no distractions, nothing to stop the tears from coming. It is in those quiet moments that I begin to doubt our decision to come home. How can a mother choose to leave her baby, not knowing if or when she’ll return?
And, then I’m struck with the long overdue realization that this feeling, this unprecedented ache that I feel, must be as close as I can imagine to what J’s birth mother feels. Today, more than ever, I want so badly to throw my arms around her shoulders and to cry with her, tell her that I’m so sorry, promise her that I love our little boy every bit as much as she does. That we’ll ever have the opportunity to meet is unlikely, but I pray that she knows Jesus, feels peace in her decision.
I pray, too that Brad and I would be peaceful in our decision to come home and wait on The Lord. He has not forgotten about Jecoah, He has not forgotten about us, He is still at work. Even as we struggle to understand, we are so very aware of His presence, of the depth of his love for this family. I told my Kara recently that I’ve never experienced the sweetness of Christ as I have these past several weeks. I don’t know that I can truly explain it, except to say that I’ve witnessed so clearly His work in Brad and I and our marriage, in our daughters, in our extended family in a matter of weeks. It’s beautiful and painful and ugly and full of joy, all at once.
It is all grace.


One thought on “It Is All Grace

  1. Once again very moving words, Shellie. I agree with your subject title as I remember Jesus’ own words: “My grace is sufficient for you.” We all need to hang on to this truth.


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