Brokenness

Oh, my friends… You’ve all loved Brad and me and our girls so well. I’m so thankful. You tell me that you admire my faith and my strength and my courage as we face each seemingly endless hurdle. If I’ve demonstrated those things ~ the faith, the courage and strength you claim to see, it’s not been honest. Today, I am broken. I am scared. My faith is desperately weak.

Yesterday was a terrible, awful day. I woke up after a particularly fitful night’s sleep feeling like I’d been in a brutal physical battle. My body ached, my throat was on fire, I had a gnarly headache. And, then the tears showed up; the big, shoulder shaking sobs that I’ve held off since before we left Africa on Christmas Eve. A sadness like I’ve not felt until now has enveloped me like a heavy blanket, replacing my peace with fear and my faith with doubt.

I long for the day when all four of our children live under the same roof, when our life is dull again and we can be the givers instead of the receivers. It is so humbling to continually be on the receiving end of selfless love, encouragement, prayers, donations. I feel so unworthy. Sometimes, I say to Jesus, “I’m humbled enough, right? Can I be done now?”. I think the answer is no.

Brad has asked me to postpone my trip back to DRC for a couple extra weeks and I’ve agreed. I need the extra time to prepare, to love on our girls and to be with my husband.

Our online auction is going beautifully. It looks like we’ve raised enough money to pay for just over a week of living expenses in Kinshasa for Jecoah and me. Unbelievable, right? There are still several items that haven’t yet received any bids. Feel free to head over to Facebook to do some shopping.

 

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